My Partner Quit Drinking and it Unnerved Me.
The Sober Joe is two years alcohol-free.
The Sober Glow Studio is an extension of what was started on social media circa 2016. As I have evolved, the topics I cover have naturally evolved. Here, I provide stories, recommendations, and resources on the art of living an alcohol-free lifestyle, navigating midlife, and anything that simply feels good.
For nearly eight years, I was the non-drinker in my relationship while my partner continued to drink. Whenever a woman reached out to me looking for answers on maintaining a relationship in a similar situation, I was always upfront about acknowledging that every relationship is different and that what is right for me may not necessarily be right for them. Not all relationships are meant to last. Sometimes, the break is exactly what is needed.
I didn’t quit drinking to save my marriage. I quit drinking to save myself from a bad marriage. I think that is a very important distinction that needs to be made. My priority was myself, and I knew that if I quit drinking, I was going to be ok, whether I stayed married or not. But I would no longer allow myself or my husband to stay in a relationship that was not good for either of us. I was betting on myself, not my marriage.
Queen Energy is the mindset:
One of the most common questions I have received over the years is: What should I do if my partner still drinks?
My answer, in a word, is nothing.
When I quit drinking, Joe (Joe is my husband if you don't know him yet) was still very much drinking. I had zero intentions of trying to get him to quit with me. I didn't even factor him in. Yes, of course, he is one of the main reasons for this decision, but when it came to my new relationship with alcohol, no one else was involved. It was me and my life and how I chose to live it. The choice was simply what I wanted for myself. Now whether Joe, my besties, my family, or anyone who happened to be around me, their actions did not sway me one way or the other. I was like a dog with a bone. I was super focused on myself and how I was changing, which was the only thing that mattered at the time. There was no other way for me.
A few years prior to this, I was working with a life coach who taught me that I needed to take the seat of the queen. She would remind me of who I was and how my energy and power affected my household. You see, I am the queen in my home, and I create and direct the energy as the queen. If I show up bitchy and full of complaints and demands, the energy of my home shifts. When I show up in a loving and respectful way, the energy of my home shifts. It doesn't matter what my partner is doing. Depending on how I show up, he follows that lead.
As soon I learned the concept of the queen energy, I recognized how true it was.
So when it came to me not drinking, the last thing I was going to do was nag him about his choice to continue. I wanted things to be normal. I didn't want my decision to affect how he lived his life. I never told him to stop or even slow down. I just let him do his thing. Though we were in a partnership, I had to acknowledge that our individual autonomy needed to be honored and respected. If I had put limits on him in any way or allowed his actions to determine my own, it would have been devastating for each of us and our marriage.
Previously, I had spent many years nagging the shit out of him. I was always on his case for something. From the outside looking in, one might think picking fights was my favorite pastime. And when I was drinking, it most certainly was.
Let me tell you something. When you take your relentless nitpicking focus off your partner, things change. When you stop blaming your partner for everything, the energy changes. When you focus on yourself and take responsibility for your life, you will become magnetic.
I let him do his thing, how he wanted and in his own way. And he took note of how I was doing my own thing. I wasn't sure how our relationship would turn out, but that wasn't my focus. I had this wild faith, and I knew with every ounce of my soul that no matter what, whether I stayed in my marriage or if we decided to part ways, I would be ok.
This is how I took the seat of the queen.
Two years ago today, on Feb 13th, 2023, Joe was driving back to LA from the Superbowl, and as he says, he was really feeling the effects of that weekend on his body. He knew he had a big year coming up with the feature film he was creating and wanted to be at his best. So when he mentioned to me that he was taking some time off from drinking, it didn’t phase me at all. He has been known to take mini breaks from drinking in the past, so I just thought it was one of those.
Months quickly turned into a year and now two years, and I am just as surprised as he is—but also not surprised. I still don’t think of him as a non-drinker, nor does he. You might think we do a lot of talking about alcohol in my household, all things considered, but oddly, we don’t.
Honestly, when he first stopped drinking, it did make me feel weird and, at times, a bit unnerved. His drinking, or the act of his drinking, was always a normalizer for me. As in, we could go out, and one of us could still be the one to keep things and our lives the same as ever. His drinking, or other people’s drinking, would take the pressure off me by allowing me to feel like I was still participating in normal activities and that my life had not changed all that much. But when Joe quit, neither one of us thought it would be for very long. But whenever he considers having a drink in a specific situation, like on our recent vacation or when the Eagles won the Superbowl, he opts out. And he continues to opt out.
Who knows how long this will go on for? Maybe one day I will drink again, and he will continue not drinking (I doubt it, but never say never). Or perhaps we will continue drinking homemade herbal mocktails and playing backgammon well into our 90s and beyond.
I started sharing my story about quitting because I was not fully connecting to other people’s stories about quitting. I think it’s vital to continue to share the message that not everyone quits for the same reasons or in the same way. Joe still considers himself a drinker, but just one who hasn’t wanted to drink in two years.
He’s not putting any pressure or labels on himself; I think this is wonderful and a testament to our uniqueness.
Below, Joe and I discuss our individual decisions to quit drinking, as well as the Queen Energy I adopted and how it allowed for the risk I took on myself to fall in favor for my marriage.
“Can being alcohol-free be a value add to a relationship? Today, Amanda sits down with Mia & Joe to discuss their experiences with alcohol-free living and how it has impacted their relationship. Throughout the conversation, they open up about the challenges and benefits of exploring an alcohol-free lifestyle together as a couple and how Mia found strength in telling her own story and connecting with others. Joe shares their journey of transitioning from a toxic heavy drinking environment to focusing on themselves and their relationship. Mia & Joe express gratitude for making the decision to stop drinking and the positive impact it has had on their lives.” - Amanda, host of Unbottled Potential.